My tumultuous little world spewed in words

hugging a cloud

2011-11-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

I saw you today...
I saw you today in the smile of a child... Pure, beautiful, innocent
I saw you today in the passing of a cloud... just for a bit but long enough for me to just think..
I saw you today and it was only in my mind, when I heard that song on the radio that will always make me think of you and though sometimes when I hear it, I change the station and pretend I didn't hear it, there are still those times I sing along to it and just think.

I heard your laughter the other day, when I heard a dirty joke about a blonde and all I could think of was "oh wow" but I realized it was just me laughing alone. I heard your "hey!" and turned back to nobody behind me and I didn't know whether to keep looking or keep walking as I knew no one was there. I still turn and look every time I make that drive, though I haven't made it in quite a while, every time I make it I still turn my head. I'm not sure if I turn it in hopes to still see you or may be just your car. Neither are ever there, nor will be.

I thought of you and am still doing so, every time I see a cactus and think to myself "gawsh, no one would ever be dumb enough to hug one". I tihnk and laugh every time I think of hippie, tree hugger as we defined it in a different manner. But now, every time I see a cloud, I will always think "I hope ones being hugged for me" and know now theres a cloud hugger

01/01/11

2011-11-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

There's something in my mind that I just got to let you know...
You know that crazy stupid feeling that they saw few rarely get to experience, while many proclaim to have it?
I think it may be happening to me.
I've caught myself thinking of you more than what many were to consider normal.
When I think of you, I not just catch myself smiling but laughing too out of joy.
You know that crazy feeling of just wanting to randomly dance?
I somehow seem to experience it most often when around you.
A happy song makes me wish you were next to me so I can sing and dance it to you, a love one to dedicate to you and sad one to hug while listening to it.
Has it happened to you that you find yourself wishing so many things? But all have one thing in common, that person that needs to be a part of it to make it all complete.
Dreaming is fun, Making dreams a reality, hard work but living them, a Fantasy.
By nature I'm a hard worker, I don't mind working to reach my goals. The harder the task at hand the bigger the reward at the end of it.
I was taught to dream. Dream big. Because as I've been told those that don't have dreams don't have anything in life nor do they strive for anything.

untitled

2011-10-04T20:35:00.001-07:00

Aunque te de lo mismo, creo aun pensar en timas de lo que quisiera y hasta quizás mas de lo debido. Si hubiera sabido que todo para ti fuera lo mismo quizás las cosas no hubieran sido las mismas.

Aunque para mí ya nada sea lo mismo, y lo debido seria que tú nunca lo supieras. Una gran parte de mi desea que lo supieras. Que aun después del transcurso del tiempo, las lagrimas derramadas y la sangre calentada que ya se ha enfriado y quisiera poderte decir que hoy estoy llena de apatía hacia ti. Pero eso tan solo fuera una mentira, no soy capaz de no sentir, no tengo el mismo don que tu

Pues no puedo dejar de pensar tal como respirar y sentir aunque ya no tan solo te da lo mismo, pero también enfada Y aunque me llene de frustración, celos y coraje como desearía que también fuera apatía la que corriera por mis venas.

Y como quisiera poderte voltear a ver y no temblar ni mucho menos pensar y sentirme deshacer al no poder tocar tu piel, y ser tan fría hacia ti e indiferente pero ahí seria donde la diferencia entre tú y yo mas resaltaría.

Agridulce

2011-08-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

Porque sin lo dulce no hay lo amargo

Sin la luz del día la obscuridad de la noche

Sin tu sonrisa, felicidad que llena mi alma

Sin lo fuerte no hubiera sutileza

Sin la risa de un niño, su llanto

Sin ti no sería quien ahora soy, me perdería y no supiera ni por cual rumbo seguir. No sería fuerte ni mucho menos sonriente pues tan solo seria….

I dare you

2011-08-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

I dare you…

I dare you to look past those hazel eyes, the beaming smile and sweet girl look

I dare you to look beyond yesterday and today and forget about tomorrow and not think of the present

I dare you to not just laugh because something’s funny but because sadness is an inevitable and happiness a consequent.

I challenge you to care and look at fear in the eye and smile. Embrace it and overcome it before it overcomes you and leaves you so paralyzed that by just not doing anything, you did everything you never should have.

I challenge you to be honest with yourself and forget about others.

I’ve caught myself far too many times blurting something out to later think, “oh, fudge brownies” and though I end up thinking that at the end all I can end up thinking afterwards is “at least I got it off my chest”

Maybe I speak too much, say too much, care too much think and overanalyze to an extreme, yet that is what makes me who I am.

Perhaps if I cared too little it would make things so much more simple, but who wants to live a simple, easy mediocre life without ever running a risk of making a fool out of themselves? Not me. Why think of things as mistakes rather than discoveries of how so wrong things can go? And how so strong or weak you really are when in hot waters.

Diamonds are made under excruciating circumstances and tons of pressure; it is in the hardest and most weak moments that we discover our strengths. We are stronger than what we give ourselves credit and weaker than what we are willing to admit; yet we never seize to amaze one another.

Well behaved women have never made history and I will make history. Whether by helping write a history book or being in it by my accomplishments or blunders but somewhere inside of one my name shall be in it.

I thought of you

2011-08-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

I thought of you... I thought of you tonight more than any other night. I thought of your eyes and the way they meet mine, I couldn't help but wonder of all that could be but will never be.

and why wouldn't it be if thats all that it could be?
why couldn't it be when all I wanted it to be was beyond me

Beyond me... far past the setting sun and rising moon
farther than the gase of your eyes and your touch

Your mesmerizing touch that not just weakened my knees but dissuaded my will to want to run away

I thought of you tonight more than yesterday but less than tomorrow... For I promised myself that if it won't be I can't make it be but rather accept it for what it is.... A possibility of impossibilities keep coming to mind and I hope you don't mind my dilluted mind but I feel you're no longer mine and there goes my mind...

un corazon cansado de latir

2011-07-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

tengo...
tengo mucho y no tengo nada

Tengo un corazon cansado de latir al que no le cuesta dar mas de si
tengo un corazon que ha sido lastimado y hay como ha llorado pero aun no para de latir
este corazon que quisas para ti sea ay tan fragil; para mi solo lo es cuando estas aqui

Tengo tengo un corazon ay tan lleno de amor de ilusion y asi sigue palpitando
Quisas iluso aunque trate de ser realista
Trata de ser vencedor, fuerte y sin temor pero no para

No para de sentir mariposas cuando siente tus labios rosando los mios
Y no puede controlarse cuando no estas a su lado
Tengo un corazon vuelto loco, sin saber ni a que lado hacerse

more than expected

2011-04-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

He reminded me of my dad, though he looked nothing like him. He was in his late 30’s, dark skinned, polite and spoke understandable English: “excuse me, may I clean your windshield?” My dad doesn’t speak English. In all honesty I didn’t care for the man to clean my windshield, granted it was super dirty but my poor “piñata” as we call it was gonna get just as dirty if not more on the way home. I told him “No, that’s fine” and pulled out the only cash I had left in my wallet, about three bucks and handed them to him. I told him “It’s okay, just leave it.”

He didn’t want to take to my money and said “that’s fine, you can give it to me after” and I said: “well, what if I don’t see you after?” I made him take it and went inside to the taco shop to eat. I went ahead and ordered with my friend and sat down to eat, we sat by the window and I couldn’t help but look out to the man cleaning my windshield. He had left it impeccably clean and had moved on to the rest of the windows and was now rubbing my hood getting all the little spots and bugs out.

My heart hurt, this man was surpassing my expectations. He was going that extra mile for just those couple of dollars I gave him. He was obviously a hard worker that maybe had just lost his job and was probably trying to still get some money for him and his family.

I wondered if he already had lunch. I asked my friend how much cash she had on her. She had five dollars; I asked her for them and told her I would pay her lunch. She handed me the money, knowing what I was about to do.

I went outside and introduced myself to him. At first, I spoke to him in English but realized he didn’t speak it that well, so I spoke to him in Spanish. “Soy Saramaria. Por favor ya dejelo que asi quede gracias. (I’m Saramaria, please just leave it like that. Thank you)” His name was Hector, I wish I could remember his last name but don’t. I got to talk to him and understood why he was out there in that parking lot asking to clean windshields. He told me he liked helping young college students like me, because he knew we are generous and we are also trying to better ourselves. I told him I imagined he probably had family and respected what he was trying to do and asked him if I could buy him lunch.

He didn’t want me to, he felt that with the money I had already gave him it was enough to buy himself lunch. I really wanted to buy him lunch and let him keep the money, so I did. During our short conversation, I also told him how he reminded me of my dad; humble, hard working, honest as well as full of integrity. He said thank you and that he appreciated that. Before leaving the taco shop, I gave him his burrito and said “Good bye and God bless” he did as well and asked me to say hi to my dad.

I gave this man money and bought him lunch, but he in turn taught me a greater lesson. Give more than what’s expected, even if you’re just cleaning some ones dirty windows. Money really isn’t everything, it’s just a part of it, caring is a greater one and listening crucial. I understand that sometimes we can’t give money and if we can, not a lot; but sometimes just a smile can be enough. A simple “Hi” to a stranger can be plenty and “How are you doing?” more than enough. Let’s not forget to just give the simplest and greatest gift of all, a smile, genuine, real, free, and beautiful and can make a world of difference to someone in need of just that.

2011-02-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

Te cambio
Te cambio mi sonrisa, por tu dolor
te regalo mi corazon acambio de tu amor
arreglemos un intercambio: tu apatia por mis incesantes neuronas que no me dejan estar en paz.
Te doy mi locura por un momento de sensates donde por lo menos, por tan solo un segundo,
no todo este al revez
Cambiemos mi tonta risa de nervios por un momento de seriedad.
Te cambio por tan solo un momento mi diario por tan solo una idea de que hay realmente detras de esa mirada llena de lo desconosido para mi.
Cambiemos mi conocido por tu desconocido
que al fin y al cabo aun ay tanto por conocer.
Arreglemos un trato por tan solo un rato,
deja y te cambio lo que fue por lo que es
por tan solo un rato hasme este trato.

complicated

2011-02-28T23:36:00.000-08:00

its complicated...
It's complicated how your not here and I'm not there
how I can't help but feel nothing more than a churn in my stomach when I hear your voice

It's complicated how you make me feel
a feeling of numbness, weightless, euphoria, sadness, madness and happiness all at once

It's complicated how I don't want to think of you and end up doing just that

It's complicated how you look me in the eye and I just don't know what to say
How is it that I have become speechless? Its you.

Its you with those penetrating eyes and killer smile, hard boy attitude that's really just a softy deep down inside

and its complicated how I just wish I can reverse time and catch myself
Catch myself from falling
yet here I am

Too little too much

2011-02-10T00:31:00.000-08:00

I know so little and so much. I know enought to try and not say too much. I know I've said it all, yet wish I wouldn't had said it at all. I know the world won't stop spinning, yet there are those instances it feels it stopped and nothing seems to make sense. It's a fact we all aspire for a forever but how so long does forever last when all that has a beginning has an end and an ending is nothing more than a new beginning.
I know for a fact that I need air to live, but living isn't breathing...and I'm beginning to hate the saying "its not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away" Can it really be about the aww moments? No way. It can't. It's about those moments where you manage to breathe even when you feel you can't. You smile, despite having a million and one reasons not to. You go on, despite the feeling in your legs telling you that you can't go on.
I know now after so little and so much that its really not about the moments that take your breath away but the ones that don't let you breathe and make you face your shitt. You face, overcome it, learn from it and go on living with it. There are no such things as mistakes, but rather discoveries of how to go about doing things in different way, discoveries of ones strengths during your greatest weakest moments and finally lessons learnes from it all.

Planning on making God laugh

2011-02-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

My dad asked me the other day: “sabes, como hacer reir a Dios?” I answered no? como? With a smile on his face he replied “platicale tus planes.” So, Dear God, here goes the joke of the century with which I’m sure many can relate.

One day, when I grow up, I want to change the world. I want to make it a better place, where hunger or poverty doesn’t exist, where all children have a loving home with both daddies and mommy’s that love them very much, there will be no fear, evil, sadness or hatred in it and especially no war.

I will be somebody in life, not just anybody. People will look up to me but I will never look down on anybody; instead I will help all in all I can. “El que no vive para servir, no sirve para vivir” will always be my motto. My prince charming will come and sweep me off my feet and we will live happily ever after. I will be a mom some day and I will work side by side with my husband to provide and give to my children all they may need all while still making the world a better place.

God, I hope you’re not laughing too hard. I know I am a dreamer perhaps an irrealistic one but I’m still one. But que no tambien “el que no vive de suenos, no vive de nada”? Yo vivo de muchos sueños, ilusiones, esperanzas, fantasias, anectodas y ganas. Ganas de vivir, hacer, lograr y llegar. Franklin D. Roosevelt did say “only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” I want and shall be fearless. God, between your laughter session would you mind answering a couple of my prayers please? I pray that you give me wisdom, strength and courage and above all that you guide me and please always make sure my intentions to do things are the best ones.

World: I know I’m trying to change you, and realize you are pretty resistant to change but I refuse to let you change me. I realize that inevitably I will have to wizen up, harden up and not be such a softy, stop being so naïve and open up my eyes but please take it easy? I won’t give up, that I can assure you. I may have some break downs where God, you will come in place and help fix me please. I will also most likely have set backs but once again with God, family and friends I’m sure I’ll get back on track. I might also even stir away from the path I’m supposed to follow and I may make my own and God in those moments all I can ask of you is to please remain by my side.

The plan is (God, here it comes) to travel all around the world, study abroad, attend college (CSU or UC) and graduate. Work, never stop working. Work where I can help people and still make enough money to travel and enjoy life without worries. Upon completing school, get married to Mr. Right and have a wonderful life together. I know, it may sound pretty cliché and many may be rolling their eyes. But isn’t that what every little girl wants? Above all however, I plan on never changing but for the best, always loving, respecting myself and never give up on life, my plans and myself.

I know life is never what we want and things never go how we plan or how we want them to. Things fall apart so better ones can come together, hearts get broken and tears shed but laughter eventually comes around. I realize that there is no such thing as perfection and so I just want something perfectly imperfect. God, its okay if you do and if you’re laughing right now, it’s a sign that you’re listening, your with me and with you by myself all is possible and like my dad has told me “no hay mal que por bien no venga” and after every storm a rainbow always follows. I will continue planning only to let you do as you see being best for me, just give me patience and strength to not give up on my dreams. Inevitably as humans we have this need for control over our lives and though I realize I can’t control it all nor have it all my way it’s always good to have a dream, hopes and something to look forward to. Plans though rarely ever go through are always good to make because at least you have something to guide and follow through rather than just wander through life.