Hating how so much I love you...

I hate how so much I miss your arms and your kisses and the way I felt at home in your bed. I hate how I can't text you and I can't call you far less speak to you because I hate you. I hate you for breaking my heart, for quitting on us again and making me feel less than what I am. I hate how you're willing to speak of your feelings so openly and let others know how you're feeling and thinking but won't and can't to me. God knows how many times I spoke to an imaginary you or wrote out all my feelings to you cause when I would try to speak to you and say how I was feeling you would minimize them. And I hate even more how so much I needed you and still do and you're no where to be found and I hate how so much it hurt when you blatantly let me know how you wouldn't marry me and I cried and all you did was nothing. You didn't say a word to at least try to make me feel better but rather did all the opposite. I say there and I swallowed  my tears and not to say my hurt and anger when you just went on listing the many reason why I'm just not the one for you. Cause as you said I've had the "perfect life" I'm glad to know that's what you think cause I've never wanted nor let many know of how so imperfect it is. I let you know and I shared it all with you yet to you I was just being petty and a little chillona. Just realize however, that most of the tears I have cried in the last five years have been for you. Not all were of unhappiness many of happiness but now, all they are of uncertainty, emptiness and a huge feeling that something is missing. But what I hate most of all is how despite how I'm feeling I can't stop loving you and wishing just wishing that maybe just maybe you loved me enough.