To you...

I'm the biggest bitch that you have ever met...
I'll tell you exactly what's on my mind and I won't hold back and only apologize when I know I'm at fault and even then it may take more than that.
I won't do something for you but rather show you how to do it, make you not rely on someone else but rather yourself.
I'm the biggest bitch you have ever met because I care too much and I'm not afraid to show you, because I'm willing to make myself vulnerable and let you know of tha tyou may had never known.
I'm the biggest bitch ever because I won't let you push me around and I'll stand up for myself.
I'm not afraid though cautious, I am.
I'm the bigget bitch ever because I blow up and can't contain what's on my mind.
Im the biggest dumbass cause I won't be selfish and put myself first but rather someone who will most likely not do the same for me.
I'm the biggest fool for believing in what's only caused hurt and pain and yet remain a senseless hopeful.
I'm soo sooo dumb for even thinking that what you said was true, when actions time after time speak louder than words and yours though may be silent are a deafening sound to my ears.

Las contradicciones mias

El problema no es el que existe, si no el que creamos.

El problema no es lo que nuestros ojos ven, si no lo que temen ver.

El problema no es lo que digo, si no lo que callo.

No es el llanto que sale de mis ojos, mas la sonrisa con la que escondo lo que hay dentro.

No es lo dicho, sino lo que queda por decir, mucho menos lo expresado si no lo que no se puedo sentir.

El problema no es que no sientas lo mismo sino que me hayas hecho creer que no es tan solo lo mismo pero hasta mas.

El problema no es lo que callas si no lo que no dices, no expresas ni das a saber. No es problema quisas para ti que lo llevas muy adentro pero para la que quiere llegar ahí dentro si lo es pues me lo evita y grita que no es ahí mi lugar.

El problema no es que no me incluyas si no que yo quiera ser incluida, que quiera ser parte y no lleve ni una sola parte de ese rol que quería jugar.

El problema no es lo que pienso, si no lo que tu crees que pienso.

Pretendo romper ese estéreo tipo aunque por mas lo pelee sigo siendo parte de otro aun mas grande. No pretendo ser lo que no quiero, mas sin embargo se que es lo que quiero y dejo ser lo para ser lo que no quiero.

Soy aquel ser que no pretende ser aunque sus pretensiones lo hacen ser.

Not knowing

It came up today in a conversation and for the first time in a very long time, I gave myself the answer to the question I have been asking for awhile now.... How do you know when someone cares or just stops caring? Granted, I can't read minds though I sometimes wish I could. God,  I wish I could, it would make my life so much easier, no more playing the guessing game, no more wondering, doubting and far less questioning. I've been questioning and wondering for so long now that I haven't even known what to do anymore and all that would come to mind was that one saying that "when you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing at all" problem with that is that I'm a doer. I can't ever not do anything, I can't ever sit still, not think or overthink each and everything I do. Don't even let me get started on the hours I have spend analyzing and overanalyzing each word spoken and unspoken that has came out of your mouth cause that would just be never ending. Not doing anything has been killing me and doing I'm afraid will turn out to be my demise so here I am tied up, wound up; mad, hurt, confused and far more lost. I keep asking for a sign any thing yet nothing has came my way. I wish I could run, run far far away and never look back though as soon as I get in my car only place I want to go to is where I'm afraid I'm no longer welcomed so I remain. I smile while deep inside I'm dying but I'll never let that show, I'm strong than what you know and weaker than what I'm willing to admit but I know I'll pull through, it's not as if I have any other option. When faced with the question how do you know someone cares I said " When someone stops caring for you, you'll know because that's the moment they'll stop doing anything for you, talking to you, looking for you and it'll be pretty clear" I don't know if I just haven't wanted to see it or just still had my hopes up but maybe its time I open up my eyes and see the reality of it.